Christmas Miracle!

Today, Mark and I were supposed to travel to Park Falls to visit Mom and Dad. Unfortunately, the winter weather has kept us from being able to do that. We attempted to travel early this morning only to get caught in a blinding snowstorm that reduced all visability. It took us 1 hour to get from Wausau to Merrill and at that point, I asked Mark to turn around and head back to the safety of our home. It seems as if every time we need to travel, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter have other plans for us. So, here I sit, with a very heavy heart due to not getting to see Mom and Dad. It has been 2 weeks since I was there. Hopefully, by next weekend the bitter cold and snow will break so we can have a couple good travel days so we can spend time with them. Well, the holidays are now over. For us, Christmas and New Year's were a complete emotional rollercoaster. Mom was released from Aspirus Hospital on December 17 only to be admitted to the ICU in Park Falls on December 19 where she remained until December 23 when she was able to be moved from ICU to the normal floor of the hospital and remained there until December 30. Mark and I were able to spend the first weekend in Park Falls while Mom was in ICU and then returned to Park Falls on December 22 to spend Christmas there. Christmas Eve our family gathered with Mom at the hospital and were enjoying taking pictures and catching up with everyone, but the joy was short lived when literally all hell broke loose. We were told by the doctor on call that Mom would not make it through the evening due to a drastic change in her condition. As you can imagine, getting that kind of news when you least expect it hits you on so many levels. I was under the impression that the worst part was over since she had been moved out of ICU the day before. I'm learning, with this medical condition, don't ever take the "here and now" for granted.

With the change in Mom's medical condition, my brother, Roger, made plans to drive to Park Falls from Florida, however he ended up being stuck in Wausau due to the freezing rain and physically could not drive anymore. Thankfully, Uncle Jim drove Mark to Wausau so he could drive my brother and his truck to Park Falls. They arrived at the hospital at 11:45 p.m., (the longest 4 hours and 15 minutes of my life). While this was happening, the decision was made to stop all treatments and only give Mom morphine and oxygen (she was on 8 liters and went from a nasal cannula to a full mask -- which she did not like). Mom was relaxed but she was continually looking at the clock and asking us where Mark and Roger were. In our minds, she was holding on for as long as she could to say goodbye to her son. The Pastor from my mom and dad's church came and did a final prayer with our family. Tearfully, we waited......

Fast forward to Christmas Day and Mom made it through the night. Things were not looking good, but in all of our minds, SHE MADE IT!!! Now for the best part. At 5:00 p.m., Mom had a brand new nurse start caring for her. I like to refer to her as Mom's Christmas Angel. Her name was Linda. Linda told my brother, Dad, Mark and me to go get something to eat in the Cafeteria and that she would take care of Mom for us so we could take a break. Dad didn't want to leave Mom's room so Linda had a care tray brought to Mom's room for him and Mom's tray of liquids (she is unable to eat solids anymore). Up until this point, Mom had not been able to drink her liquids. So, Mark, Roger and I went to the cafeteria and had our Christmas meal. About 30 minutes later, we were headed back to Mom's room. It was at that point, I believe we witnessed a Christmas miracle! When we entered Mom's room, she was sitting at the edge of her bed, drinking her strawberry Ensure through a straw with her Christmas Angel, Linda right beside her. I stood in the doorway with goosebumps all over my body wanted to cry. It was at that point that Dad said, "I think we've all just witnessed a miracle." Yes, Dad, indeed we had. Linda said all she did was ask Mom if she wanted to try to sit at the edge of her bed with her and try to drink some nice cold water, Mom said, "yes" and the next thing we knew it, she drank her Ensure, her juice and her entire glass of water. When I asked Linda later that night how this could have happened, all she replied was "a person's will is stronger than anyone can imagine if given the opportunity to come back." Our family owes so much to Linda, Mom's Christmas Angel.

Mom has done extremely well since the night of Christmas Eve. She was transferred to Park Manor nursing home on December 30 so she can receive 24 hour care, and this time has agreed with the decision and has adjusted to her new surroundings as best as she can. Her room is very nice and is complete with a bird feeder right outside her window so she can enjoy the little birds each day. For now, I continue to pray that our family will be blessed with yet another miracle for Mom like we received on Christmas Day, and until that happens, I am at peace when I cannot be with her knowing that she is in good hands and is getting the best medical attention she requires to keep her comfortable and give her the best quality of life she can have until all of our prayers are answered.

As for Mark and me, we're doing as best as we can. So many people have asked us how we can even function given all the devastation and sadness we've had over the past few weeks with Mom and the pregnancy loss and at first, I didn't know how I was going to get through it, that was until the last day that I got to see Mom before having to come back home to Wausau. She and I were talking about stuff and I told her that I was so mad at God for doing this to her and for Him taking our babies away and it was then that she replied "Kare, God does not punish. Even good people have to go through bad things and it is through those bad things He is teaching us something and we can either learn something good from which will bring us closer to Him or we can choose to be mad and angry and fall away from Him." Then she said, "Kare, please don't choose to be mad and angry." I went to bed that night thinking about what she said to me and awoke the next day with a different approach to my feelings.

I am choosing to believe that God took my babies from me so that they can be in heaven waiting for their Grandma for when God decides it is time to take Mom home to Him and they will be her guardian angels in Heaven. I am also choosing to believe that Mom having cancer is teaching me what is important in my life. I realized that I had becomed so wrapped up in the things that truly don't matter and now, it is so clear to me that if all of those "things" were stripped away from me, the only thing that matters is my family. For the first time in a long time, I am appreciating life and not just going through the motions. Am I still angry and mad that I had to lose my babies and that my mom is dying of cancer, absolutely. But, I am choosing to learn something good from these horrible, sad things.

In closing, I want to share something from the hospital that I will forever remember from my Mom. During one of the many afternoons that my brother and I were sitting in Mom's hospital room, we were talking about some of the financial things we needed to handle yet for Mom and Dad before he went back to Florida and I had to go back to Wausau. Mom was dozing in and out of sleep and it had been a while since Mom had said anything so we were talking quietly not to wake her. When Roger said "Kare, you know, you and I put together are only half as good as Mom when it comes to the finances" to which my "sleeping mother" (with her index finger shaking at both of us in the air and her eyes yet closed) said, "yes, and only half as good." Ah, and there it was, that loving, caring, comedian I have grown to love and admire so much.

To everyone who reads our blog, thank you yet again for all your prayers. I do believe that they are paying off. From Mark and I we hope that you and your family had a blessed Christmas and New Year and that you and your family experienced your own form of Christmas miracle this year!

Shattered Dreams

Where do I even begin. It has been a very long time since I posted to our blog and a lot has happened since.

First, as the title of the post reads "Shattered Dreams" I'm guessing you're wondering why that title. Well, the reason for the delay in my posts is because Mark and I had undergone our IVF cycle and we were holding off on posting anything to the site until we knew the outcome. Today, I can share the news - both good and bad. Mark and I started our IVF process on October 11. I'll spare you the details of how everything went other than the retrieval and transfer went according to plan and we found out on November 7 that we were pregnant. As all of you that are close to us know, our years of praying had finally paid off and we were beyond happy at the news. Since I was considered a high rish pregnancy (with having 3 miscarriages in the past already), I was going to be monitored with bi-weekly ultrasounds and lab work by our RE in Green Bay. We had our first appointment at 7 weeks on November 28 and were told the news that we were pregnant with identical twins. We were able to see both heart beats -- something we had never experienced in all of the other 3 pregnancies and it was a very surreal moment for Mark and I. Then, our joy turned to devastation on December 12.

We had our next bi-weekly appointment in Green Bay on December 12, and since the prior appointment went well and we saw the heart beats, I was feeling great - even sporting a mini-bump, we had no reason to believe anything was wrong...until the ultrasound when we received the news that "the heart beats could no longer be found." I can't even begin to explain to you how Mark and I took this news. In that very moment, our dreams of our family were shattered.

I had a D&C Tuesday and am currently at home recovering from the physical implications of the surgery and also trying to heal from the emotional devastation. If there is any silver lining, it is that since I had the D&C, they are going to be able to do testing on the babies to help find out what happened and maybe shed some light as to why our pregnancies continue to end in miscarriage.

As if all of this wasn't bad enough news. On Wednesday, December 10, Mom was admitted to the hospital in Wausau. She had her regularly scheduled oncology appointment that day along with a CT scan and we received the news that the chemo is no longer working. Her 1 tumor went from 11 to 14 and the other tumor went from a 36 to 49.9. The larger tumor is causing pressure on her esophagus, which impacts the nerve that controls swallowing and her voice. She was admitted to the hospital to have testing done on the tumor/esophagus and also get her nutrients back up -- she hadn't eaten or drank much of anything for over a month due to vomiting when she does eat or drink. Mom had numerous tests, blood transfusions, and new chemo while in the hospital.

Dr. Ahuja shared the news with mom that she has 1 to 2 months to live given the progression of the cancer. Mom is trying her best to deal with the news as is our entire family. She made the decision to leave the hospital yesterday, and go home. Dr. Ahuja's preference was to have her go to a nursing home facility where she would receive 24 hour care, however, Mom has asked that we respect her wishes to remain at home as long as she can.

My entire life, I have lived in a fantasy land where my mom would live forever, I would get married to a wonderful man, have a beautiful family and my life would be complete. So far, the only piece of the fantasy that has come true is being married to a wonderful man. It is in times like this that my faith is truly challenged. I find myself continuously asking "Why does God do this to good people?" "How can He put so much darkness in my life." I don't have answers to these questions and I'm struggling each day with these questions I have. I'm doing my best to get up each morning and do the normal tasks. I know I need to be strong, but finding the strength right now is so hard. My aunt Shirl sent Mark and I a sympathy card and letter yesterday and she wrote a quote from her prayer journal that Mark and I read and I continue to read and re-read. I want to share the quote:

"If you are living in days of darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid, simply go forward in faith and love, never doubting Him. He is watching and will bring goodness and beauty from all of your pain and tears. Father it is you who are truly able to satisfy. Keep me content in what you give and what you deny."

The message couldn't be more perfectly suited for what is happening right now, but it still doesn't calm my restless mind and heart. I pray that God will give me strength and peace.

The holidays this year have taken on a new meaning for me and for my family. I believe that God is showing our family what the true meaning of Christmas is. For this year, no decorations are up, no presents have been bought, no cookies have been baked and yet for the first time in many years, I am at peace with knowing the only thing that matters, is spending time with our family. Cherishing every moment that we are given together.

Update on Progress

I am finally back among the "living" -- or so it feels. The gall bladder surgery went well and I am finally feeling good enough to sit up in a chair at the computer. Today is day 7 from surgery (at 2:45 PM) so I think I'm doing good given it has only been 7 days. Hoping to return to work tomorrow, but will have to see how today goes. Just glad the surgery is over with so I can heal and begin to prepare my body for IVF.

Our RE has given us the green light to proceed with IVF -- I was worried we would have to scrap this cycle due to my surgery, but he agreed to proceed as long as the transfer date would be no less than 5 weeks out from my surgery -- as luck would have it, I will actually be 5 1/2 weeks out! Finally, some good news. Mark and I will travel to Green Bay on October 2 for what is called a "Day 21" appointment. I will have ultrasounds, blood work and then we sign our life away on consent forms. They sent us the forms in advance of the appointment to "read over"-- I think in reality, it was so we would have time to get over the "HOLY CRAP" feeling before the appointment! Then the fun begins. We are both nervous and cautiously optimistic at this point. On a side note, I haven't been able to go to acupuncture since the week before my surgery and I can tell the difference. I can't wait to get back there next week!

Last week in amongst preparing for surgery, mom had her 3rd chemo treatment on Monday, September 15. After a very long worry-filled weekend, Mom, Kathy and I met with Dr. Ahuja to find out the results of her scan. The "good" news is the tumors have not grown, but they haven't shrunk either. Dr. Ahuja kept mom on her original chemo treatment, which was good news for her as she handles the post-chemo effects well (not good news that she still has the 4 1/2 hours of treatment). Now all we have to do is continue to pray that the chemo will start to work and shrink the tumors.

I guess I could truly begin to feel like I'm jinxed given all the bad stuff going on, but I am trying to find a silver lining in all of the "bad". I guess maybe this was God's way of telling me that I needed to stop for a bit and appreciate the "here and now".

Thoughts:

• Day 7 from surgery - on the road to recovery
• Green light to continue IVF
• Most important, Mom made it through her third chemo like a champ!

Progress Update

Many things going on in our world.....

I found out on Monday that I have a gall stone and polup in my gall bladder which requires it to be removed. I'm scheduled for surgery on Tuesday, September 16. Mark and I met with the surgeon Thursday and she was very nice and informative. Hoping that the procedure and recovery goes well. Mark and I have decided to take the next step in our infertility treatments -- Invitro Fertilization (IVF). One of the requirements by my reproductive endocrinologist (RE) was to start acupuncture for 12 weeks prior to IVF. I have now completed 5 weeks and LOVE IT! I highly recommend this treatment method. I have noticed a remarkable improvement in my overall mental health. I feel a lot more calm and relaxed -- which is a good thing going into IVF. We're hoping and praying that this last and final treatment option works for us!

Now onto an update on mom. Things haven't been going so well on this front. Mom had a biopsy done last week in Park Falls as she had 2 skin lesions which required biopsies to find out what they were. This required mom to miss her chemo treatment last week due to her surgery. Today she had what was supposed to have a chemo appointment with Dr. Ahuja and we found out that the lesions are cancer that has spread into her tissue. Since they don't know if the lesions were there when the chemo initially started or if they have since appeared after chemo started, mom could not have chemo today but rather underwent a CAP CT Scan. Dr. Ahuja needs to determine if the prior tumors have shrunk or grown, which will then tell him whether or not the initial chemo treatment worked. If he find that the chemo is not working, then mom will start a new chemo treatment plan. Mom returns for her next appointment on Monday to find out the results of the Scan and what the next step is for chemo. We're praying for a miracle.

Mom is still having the pain in her collarbone. Due to the surgery incision location, she isn't able to wear her harness to keep the collarbone from moving, so she's experiencing more pain now too. The good news is...the collarbone break was NOT a result of cancer. The bone scan showed that there is no further cancer in any of her bones. At least that was good news!

Today was a hard day for Mom, Kathy and me. As mom put it "just when I start feeling good, and my spirits are getting lifted, I get handed another setback." I know that Kathy and I share in those exact same sentiments with Mom. I pray each day that we'll get good news. That mom will feel better, that the cancer will go away. Mom truly has been through so much, yet her will and determination inspire me.

For now, we all put on our "brave face" and pray harder than ever for a miracle.

Road Blocks

Today mom had an appointment with Dr. Ahuja -- let me stress an unexpected visit. She hasn't been doing well managing the pain of the collarbone and also the nausea so the home healthcare nurse contacted the Center yesterday to sound off on some of her concerns and today, she needed to make the trip to Wausau for the appointment -- huge note of thanks to Aunt Shirl and Judy for bringing mom to Wausau!

Thankfully, I was able to break from work to attend the appointment with mom which I am more than thankful for.

The outcome of the appointment is that mom definitely has a break, not a fracture in her clavical. The "good news" is that it didn't dislocate yet. The bad news is that they are leaning towards the break being a direct result of cancer having been in the collarbone all along, which didn't show up in her initial PET scan when they determined where all the cancer was initially located. Due to this, Mom is scheduled for a full body bone scan tomorrow in Park Falls so that they can make certain there are no other areas of the bone being affected. To help heal the clavical, mom will also need radiation. We are currently waiting for Dr. Ahuja to be able to meet with the Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Barton tomorrow to find out if just one high density radiation treatment can be done when she comes to Wausau for her next chemo treatment on August 14, or if she will need to go through another round of multiple radiation treatments. The better news is that they have agreed to let mom have this done in Minocqua should the route be taken for multiple treatments versus having her come all the way to Wausau. Praying that it can be done all in one appointment next Thursday so she can get back on the road to feeling better with as minimal impact to her stamina as is possible.

Therefore, we've hit a small road block to mom's healing process, but I'm confident that once the clavical can get repaired, she will feel a lot better and can get back to enjoying the small things again. Please continue to pray for her and our family.

Family Time

Sorry for the delay in updating the blog. Mark and I were able to sneak away for a mini-vacation July 18-27 to Mark's parents cottage in Lake Tomahawk for a week for some much needed rest and relaxation.

First, update on Mom: she had her power port surgery on July 17. This is the port that was surgically implanted in her chest which will be used to administer the chemo every 3 weeks versus having to use a vein each time. The surgery went well, other than some significant bruising. Her first chemo treatment was on July 24, and while I wasn't there with her, my sister Kathy, my brother Roger, and my niece Stephanie were. I was able to get updates from Kathy on how things were going throughout the process and everything went well. Mom didn't reject the chemo which was great considering that can happen (something I wasn't aware of). Dr. Ahuja did decide to forego using the Avastin due to mom being on cumadin which is a good and bad thing. The Avastin would have shrunk the cancer more quickly, but because it causes bloodflow to stop to the areas of the cancer, and her being on cumadin and being too far away from Wausau should something happen, the risks of using it outweighed the benefit therefore, she will only be getting 2 chemo drugs: Taxal and Carboplatin and a bone strengthener: Zomeda. Dr. Barton confirmed that she would not need additional radiation at this time (great news), but she will be evaluated at each of her 3 week appointments. Her next chemo appointment is scheduled for August 14.

As of today, July 31, Mom didn't get good news. She had been having pain in her left shoulder for almost 2 weeks. She did have it looked at during her July 24 visit to the Center, but the doctors confirmed it was not cancer but rather a pulled muscle (most likely from the tremendous coughing and vomitting she had been doing). We'll, today, she wasn't well at all and Kathy took her to the doctor in Park Falls. X-ray confirmed the collarbone is fractured. Not good news to hear as this was just another "defeat" in mom's mind. We're waiting for the doctor in Park Falls to get with Dr. Ahuja tomorrow to find out what the course of action should be at this point. Potentially, more radiation. Another setback is that mom lost another 7 (almost 8) pounds. Something the doctors are very concerned about. On the positive side, Dr. Miller (the doc in Park Falls) is going to mandate that home healthcare visit mom and dad rather than having them travel to the hospital or clinic for lab work appointments and to also monitor mom's blood sugars (the chemo throws them out of wack). This will be a blessing for them since getting to/from appointments is a challenge right now. Hopefully, after tomorrow, we'll have better news on mom.

Update on Mark and me: like I mentioned above, we were able to take vacation last week. The weekend was pretty uneventful, which was very nice. Monday, July 21, we made a trip over to Park Falls. We enjoyed a cookout with mom, dad, Rog, Kathy, Grant and their family. We were also able to get some pictures during our visit (sharing on the blog). Something I know meant a lot to all of us, especially mom.

Tuesday, July 22, was our 8th wedding anniversary. Mark and I spent the entire day doing nothing more than relaxing on the water and of course reminising about the past 8 years. Wednesday, we took the speed boat on the big water and that was a lot of fun. Bailey on the other hand would have preferred we left her back at the cottage. She used to love riding in the speed boat, but for some reason, this year, she didn't like it as much. Probably because the water was a lot more rough this time and she was bounced all over the place. We did take a break though at the Thirsty Whale and she was able to enjoy laying in the lake to cool off and also play a little game of chase with a mallard duck before heading back to the cottage. Thursday, we ventured into town to do some antique shopping...needless to say, everything that we wanted to buy was way out of our price range, so for now, we just window shopped. I was also able to stop in and visit my very good friend Tracy Cook who I hadn't seen since the winter Badger State Games (her daughter competes in figure skating) in February.

Friday, we decided to head back home to re-group and gear up for the vacation to come to an end. I'm glad we did that since the laundry room was literally piled full of clothes to be washed. Made the transition back to work a bit easier on Monday!

This week, we met Mom, Dad, Rog, Kathy, Grant and their family and Uncle George and Aunt Bev on Tuesday for dinner in Wausau as Rog was heading back to Milwaukee for his flight on Wednesday to return to Florida. It was a very nice evening and we really enjoyed getting to see everyone. It is always hard to say goodbye to Rog when he visits, but this time, he plans to come up in October to celebrate his 50th birthday and mom's 69th birthday together, so knowing he'll be back in a couple months, made the goodbye a little easier. Thankful that tomorrow is already Friday so we can enjoy the beautiful weekend ahead.

So in closing, I want to share this with you. While on vacation, Mark and I found a little plaque that we purchased for us and for mom. We thought the quote was very fitting (especially with our infertility stuff and mom's cancer)...so I leave you with what the quote on the plaque reads:

"Faith Makes Things Possible.....Not Easy"

Great News....FINALLY!

Thursday was by all standards a GREAT day for Mom!

Although the time leading up to the appointment was filled with anxiety and a lot of tears, the news she received could not have been better or come at a more perfect time for her and for us.

Kathy and Stephanie came down Thursday to be a part of the appointments. Mom had her last radiation treatment (she even has a certificate to prove it) and the we met with Dr. Barton for the last time. He said mom responded well to the treatment and the radiation should continue to work in her system for the next 2-3 weeks and continue to make her feel better. At each appointment, the nurse asks her what her pain level is at from 0-10, and for the very first time, she said "I don't have any pain today" -- I almost broke down in tears. To see where she has come from, crying from how much pain she's in to saying she has no pain, made me feel all the days of daily radiation treatment were worth it! Of course she continues to take the morphine for pain, but even that doseage has decreased, so it means the pain management is working. Mom will have a re-check with Dr. Barton on July 24.

After we met with Dr. Barton, we then met with Dr. Ahuja. Now, like I said earlier, Mom has significant anxiety over what the news of her MRI would be. When Dr. Ahuja came into the room, he said he had fantastic news for her...there is no cancer in her brain! Let the flood gates open.....lots of tears of joy were shed. So, she can now begin the journey through chemotherapy.

July 14, she has an appointment with a General Surgeon for a consult on installing a port. Mom cannot do her chemotherapy via her veins as the chemo will be done for 6 hours and it is a bit too hard on her small veins. She will find out on Monday, when the port will be put in. It is a surgical procedure, so she'll need to be put under for it. The good news is, the surgeon that did Kathy's gallbladder surgery is going to do the port for mom -- and he was really great for Kathy's surgery.

July 24, will be a very big day. Mom will need to arrive at the Center at 8 AM for labs, 8:30 she'll meet with the Radiation Nurses, 9:00 with Dr. Barton for her follow-up and at 9:30, she'll meet with Dr. Ahuja and the chemo will begin. She gets to relax in what is referred to as the "Ballroom" for the 6 hours of treatment. Mom will receive 3 drugs during the chemo: Taxal, Carboplatin and Avastin. She will also be given Zomeda (a bone strengthener) in conjunction with the chemo meds due to the cancer already being in her tailbone, they want to make sure that the rest of her bone structure remains strong.

If there can be a silver lining amongst all of this, it would be:

1. Mom completed 12 days of radiation -- like a CHAMP!
2. Great news from the doctor that there is no cancer in her brain!!!!
3. She gets to have a break for now to rest at home and enjoy sleeping in her own bed!
4. Roger (my brother from Florida) will be home Wednesday for 2 weeks to spend time with Mom and Dad -- something I know they are both looking forward to.

Thank you again to everyone for their support, care, concern and prayers. All of our prayers certainly paid off so far!